On Always Reading All the Material…

When I found out I was pregnant, of course I downloaded one of the pregnancy tracking apps, The Bump. Each week I found out what fruit or vegetable was the same size as my baby (and me and the dude often wondered if the app creators had ever seen these foods in person) and every day I was given “daily reads” to learn more about what to expect and what was happening.

Knowing I was only having one baby, I skipped over nearly everything about multiples. And I was so confident that I was not having a c-section that I sort of skimmed over those sections as well.

Well guess what….I ended up having a c-section. As I was faced with the decision to continue laboring for a couple more hours with no guarantee of results or go for a c-section, I wished I had read more about the procedure to calm my fears.

I had stories from family and friends to rely on, but some were scarier than others. I heard horror stories of an epidural wearing off before the procedure and the patient feeling everything. I heard about catheters being placed before the epidural kicked in. I heard about painful recoveries and the words “major abdominal surgery.” To be honest, I was scared.

On one hand, no amount of reading about the procedure was going to make me less nervous. It’s a major surgery after all, and knowing every detail about it likely would have made me spiral. But I do wish I had read about the “normal” experiences ahead of time. I truly lucked out having an easy c-section with what seems to be a speedy recovery.

So here’s what I can tell you about it if you ever find yourself in my situation.

1. The doctor is going to make sure you don’t feel a hint of pain. This was one thing I brought up to my doctor in making my decision: was I going to feel anything? His response was absolutely not. It wouldn’t be ethical for him to operate on someone that’s awake if they could feel it. The anesthesiologist upped whatever was going in through the epidural, my doctor gave me a hard pinch, on my stomach area when it kicked in, and I didn’t even know he did it. I truly felt nothing. The anesthesiologist demonstrated on my forehead that I would feel some movement, pressure, and pulling during the procedure but none of that was paired with pain. And how he demonstrated it on my forehead was nearly exactly how it felt.
2. Pain meds will give you the shakes. This was a surprising part of the experience for me. I’ve never had any surgery or been put under for any procedure (the most I’ve interacted with the medical system outside of routine check ups is getting stitches when I was 2 or 3), I had no idea this would be part of it. I was nervous and thought maybe the upper half of my body was shaking from that, and maybe it was a little, but it was mostly pain meds. And that lasts for a bit after the procedure too. When we were moved to the recovery area after my surgery, I continued to shake for who knows how long (time no longer existed at that point) but was covered in blankets to stay warm. I was also able to do skin-to-skin with the baby once the shakes were under control.
3. You’ll get to see your baby emerge but none of the gore! There’s a curtain that goes up just below your neck so you can’t see anything that’s happening (thank god), but someone in the room may pull it down just enough for you to see the baby being born. This was pretty cool. I saw their head come out! But did not see where it came from. Because the dude was sitting in an actual chair he could see everything, but he told me it didn’t even look real.
4. You can still do some skin-to-skin quickly after the procedure. Obviously they can’t lay the baby directly on your chest after they’re born, but once they were all cleaned up and weighed the nurse brought the baby over and placed their cheek against my cheek. It was awesome.
5. You have to stay in your bed for several hours after the procedure. But you won’t even notice how long it’s been. I delivered around 10 PM and was absolutely exhausted so staying in bed sounded amazing to me. While you can move your top half pretty easily at that point in time, it’s not recommended that you try to sit up or anything. I tried to do this when the baby needed a diaper change once we were in the recovery room and it was very uncomfortable. It wasn’t necessarily painful, but my body definitely said “no” as I tried to get in a seated position.
6. You’ll be told to “stay ahead of the pain.” Basically, once you start to feel pain from recovering, it’s hard to catch up and get it under control. My nurses gave me Tylenol and Motrin every 6 hours and I’ve continued that since coming home. They also used lidocaine patches on my stomach to help dull any nerve damage pain. I’ve continued those as well and have honestly not been in any pain since the procedure. I’ve been taking it super easy even though I feel good enough to be doing more, and that’s helped me recover on a good timeline.
7. You’ll have some intense swelling in your legs, ankles, and feet. This is normal and it’s due to all the fluid pumped into you for the c-section. I’m not sure what other hospitals do, but while I was staying in bed the nurses hooked me up to some compression sleeves to help alleviate the swelling. Once I could get up and move around, I did my best to move a bit to work through it too. Once I got home I realized just how crazy the swelling was. Wearing socks left impressions in my legs. My shoes didn’t fit. I had to wear flip flops around my house. But I drank lots of water to flush out the fluids (it’s counter-intuitive, but it works), and within a week it went away. Each day it went down a little bit more.

I wish I could think of an even ten things for this list, but everything else is pretty typical of what you’ll read about giving birth. You’ll still look pregnant for a bit (I’m two weeks out and am still wearing maternity pants but they’re getting looser on me), you need to take it easy, etc. Maybe this will help another person get ready for a c-section even if they’re not expecting one. I can tell you that I’m definitely grateful that I went that direction. My baby simply did not want to come out and mentally I couldn’t handle labor any longer. It was the safest route to go even though it was the scariest for me at the time.

On the beginning of motherhood…

This past week was one for the books. We welcomed a little one into our lives and I officially became a mom.

With a 41 week pregnancy, I had plenty of time to let that sink in: I was becoming a mom. I felt all the kicks and hiccups. I saw the tiny human growing inside me in sonogram photos. Me and the dude created a nursery filled with every possible baby necessity.

And of course there were also 41 weeks of worries. How will I know what to do? What if I’m bad at this? What constitutes a call to the doctor, and what’s perfectly normal?

And then this tiny human arrives and you just kick into parenting gear. Certain things come to you so naturally. You know exactly how to hold them to console them. You get skin-to-skin contact and nothing feels more perfect. And you didn’t know you could love someone so quickly and so much until that little one is there, on the outside, in your arms.

It’s been a few days since we brought the newbie home and my mind is a bit of a whirlwind. I want to soak up every single minute of my parental leave that I can with them, and I also need to balance setting up good habits like not holding them 24/7. I’m thinking about all the things I want to see and do with them on leave while also wanting to snuggle on the couch with them forever, perfecting their daily feeding and napping routine. I want to remember every single moment of this newborn period while cherishing every milestone that brings them from baby, to toddler, to little kid and beyond.

It’s part “please don’t ever grow up” and part “I just can’t wait to see what you become.”

And overall it’s really awesome. I knew I’d love becoming a mom. I knew it would be amazing to watch the dude become a dad, but that part is even better than I could’ve imagined.

I love it.

So as I embark on my parental leave, my plan is to keep this weekly post to talk about what I’m experiencing and keep my writing skills sharp. I’m looking forward to sharing it all with whoever cares to read it 🙂

On Small Victories and Moving Forward…

As we’ve established, planning ahead is difficult right now. I have no idea what I will or won’t be able to do in three months, if I’ll be at home or in the office, or when I’ll be able to visit family again.

So the focus is on short-term goals, virtual events, and mindfulness. Something that’s helped me do this is becoming a member of The Lounge community through Girls’ Night In.

I subscribed to this newsletter about two year ago and loved its theme of staying in, taking care, and leaning into your introvertedness. Of course at that time, I had no idea that I would do this every day. I loved the articles shared in the newsletters, the book recommendations, the sense of community I felt just from reading it.

And when they launched The Lounge, I didn’t hesitate to join the waitlist. I finally got my invitation about a month ago, and the community has been such a nice refuge. I’ve joined virtual gatherings to build gingerbread houses, dove into their Slack community, and even made a new local friend!

The biggest thing I’m looking forward to this week is the Buffalo Bills playoff game, but the thing I’m most excited for second to that is the Yoga and Meditation virtual gathering I signed up for though The Lounge. I can’t wait to really unwind with this new community and learn more about how I can incorporate more meditation into my life.

These small goals that are attainable and doable and won’t be cancelled keep me moving forward. They keep me feeling productive and like I’m not wasting my time because of the virus. While I’m hoping I can keep making bigger plans in 2021, for now these little ones will do just fine.

On Growth in a Stagnant Year…

Ever since college, when I decided it was time to get my act together and organize my life, I’ve been a planner. I love opening and starting my actual, physical planner. My brain is usually about three months ahead, and plan most gatherings and events at least two weeks in advance.

So it probably comes as no surprise that 2020 was eye opening for me. It’s hard to plan anything when you’re not sure what the next few days will bring, let alone the next month. Even my remote work situation didn’t have a set end date.

I internally freaked out a little at first, but knowing that we were all in the same non-planning limbo was somewhat comforting. It finally made me focus on mindfulness after years of trying.

And that’s the moment of growth I’ll take away from 2020. When you can’t think three months ahead, you have to stay in the moment. I learned to only worry about what was actually in my control. I couldn’t do anything to make the virus go away, but I could stay home, wear a mask, and keep my distance from others.

I could control how connected I stayed with others in other ways. Suddenly I had a weekly virtual trivia night on my calendar with my family. I did more video calls with my group of friends from home and played tons of Jackbox games with pretty much everyone I know. I even jumped on the Among Us train.

I joined virtual networking groups to meet new, like-minded people and step out of my comfort zone. I ran outside for a total of 515 miles in 2020. I read 24 books. And I did not worry about what wasn’t within my control in the future.

I’m taking mindfulness with me into 2021. While I still sometimes crave something to plan, I try to focus on the things that I can make happen. I hope in the difficulties you likely faced last year, you’ve found a lesson or two as well. We might as well find something in that godforsaken year, right?

ON Visits Home Long Ago…

Whenever I revisit my home town, I’m brought back to my high school days and summers in college when all my friends were also home. Even as we graduated and moved forward in our lives, there were a few years where the majority of us would still come home for holidays at the same time and frequent our favorite haunts.

I feel so fortunate to grow up where I did: a suburb outside of the city of Buffalo. We were close to so many suburban staples (Target, Applebees, Starbucks, Buffalo Wild Wings, any chain restaurants you could think of), yet so many local, family-owned places were sprinkled in there with even more to discover in the city itself. A short 15-minute drive would have you among the tall-ish buildings and oh-so-cool and mature hangouts of a city.

My friends and I had our usual places in our suburban neighborhood, but as we hit our senior year of high school that expanded into the city. These are just a few of our favorite places in and out of the city (that may or may not still be there) that stay in my memories:

IHOP

Doesn’t get much more suburban than this, huh? Every so often in high school, our group would wake up at an ungodly hour to meet at IHOP for breakfast before school. While I am not at all a morning person and struggled to get it together on these mornings, I loved having this time before school with my friends.

We went back a few times in college and beyond, but it doesn’t quite have that same special magic of doing something out of the ordinary at 17 years old. And the pancakes are crazy sweet. I can’t tell you the last time we went back there (maybe when we put together our second time capsule?), but the high school IHOP days have a special place in my heart.

SPoT Coffee

I felt so cool going to this city coffee shop in high school. Especially after a Thursday in the Square concert. But that might have been more college days.

Back in the day, the SPoT Coffee location on Elmwood Ave was connected to New World Record, one of my favorite places to browse in Buffalo. When New World closed, the coffee shop expanded into it and created a really lovely meeting place in the shopping district of the city.

Also gone from that block now is Brodo – a little soup and sandwich restaurant that I was obsessed with. I made everyone meet me there for meals. On the one day of senior year where we got to go downtown to the courts as part of our Participation in Government class, I made sure that I could stop at Brodo before traipsing around the city for the day. RIP Brodo!

Average Joe’s

Ok so I didn’t love this bar that was on the same street as our high school but it was an easy place to meet up when we were all in town. It was also the first place most of my friend group met my dude, so that lives in my memories forever.

Over time when we would plan where to meet up my first thought was “please not Average Joe’s” because I really just wanted to see my specific group of friends and not my entire graduating class. It closed a few years ago with one last blowout that I now wish I could’ve been at, but when you live far away from home you have to prioritize your trips back.

Gordon’s

My favorite little neighborhood bar that has also closed. This was introduced to me by my oldest sister after a training run downtown. It was conveniently located across the street form Fleet Feet, where we would start and end our runs.

I miss their awesome beer selection and their popcorn.

Olive Garden

Like most teenagers, I went through phases in high school where I did not want to do anything considered mainstream. Olive Garden was at the top of my list. It was a go-to for our group at one time, and also for sports team dinners that gave me so much anxiety. Please, never take me out to dinner with a group of more than like, 8 people.

That being said, I always went when my friends wanted me to and ended up having fun because they were there and there were endless breadsticks.

7-11 on Sweet Home Road

One of our group members lived walking distance from 7-11 (though it involved crossing a fairly busy street to get there and we always walked there in the dark). Sleepovers at this friend’s house were not complete without a trip there.

My usual 7-11 haul included chocolate milk, barbecue chips, and some candy. The thought of eating those things together now makes me nauseated. I actually don’t think that 7-11 is open anymore but the countless trips I took there live on forever.

There are so many more places I could add to the list (including non-food-based places but, you know what motivates me), and new places I wish we could make memories in too. Now that none of us are based in Buffalo and we’ve gotten married, started families, moved to different countries, it’s difficult to find a time when we’re all back together. That’s my biggest hope for post-vaccine life: another gathering with this specific group of friends again in Buffalo, in places with memories or somewhere to make new ones.

On Outdoor gatherings of months past…

March through most of April in 2020 were focused on staying home, staying away from others, and staying healthy. We were doing our part to flatten the curve. Many went stir-crazy quickly, but I found some joy in daily walks over my lunch break with my dog, even in less-than-ideal weather.

As we crawled toward May, sunnier and warmer days were upon us. Our worlds were expanded beyond our houses to outdoor spaces. It was awesome.

We started to be able to see family and friends again through outdoor gatherings, and some of my favorites were the days when we brewed beer outside. Altogether we brewed 3-4 beers while the weather was nice, and it allowed us to see so many friends, even some from far away.

So let’s talk about brewing, shall we?

If you know me and the dude, we are beer people. Not necessarily beer snobs (I still love a Blue Light during a Bills game) but beer enthusiasts. We started brewing back when I was still in NYC during my visits upstate. Like most brewers, we started with kits to learn the process. Then progressed into clone brews, and eventually tried making our own recipes.

Kits and extracts brews started on our stovetop, and I quickly fell in love with the sensory aspect of brewing. Grains, malts, hops – they all create an amazing sweet, bread-y, deep smell that lingers in your kitchen all day.

As we moved onto to clone beers and our own recipes, we also transitioned to all-grain brews, which required a much larger brew pot. Our operations moved to our driveway over an outdoor burner, and brew days became all-day hangouts in the sun. The smells got stronger as we increased the amount of grains in this type of brewing, and more interesting as we chose different styles of hops for our own recipes (and even grew our own too!

I associate the smell of brewing with quality time with friends. We all circle up around the brew pot with our own beers, sharing bottles and snacks and stories, adding to a collaborative playlist. Hours are spent laughing, adding ingredients, talking, and drinking.

Now that it’s winter, I can’t tell you how much I miss brew days and outdoor hangs with friends. Indoor gatherings just aren’t a safe option right now, so me and the dude will keep experimenting on our own with new indoor brewing equipment until we can share it with friends again.

To our friends, we miss you! We can’t wait for more brew days in the driveway in the spring, and many more hangs post-vaccine.

On 2021…

Well. We made it here. Looking back at this time last year, I was full of hope as I usually am at the start of a new year, and this year just feels….different.

We all know that the transition from 11:59 PM in one year to 12:00 AM in the next doesn’t actually feel any different, but it does present a metaphorical clean slate. This felt incredibly welcome after the hellfire that was 2020, but this time around I’m approaching it differently.

While there is so much to look forward to in a post-vaccine world, we don’t know how long it will be until we’re there. I have a lot of thoughts and ideas on what I’ll want to do then, but it’s important to take advantage of the time we have before then too.

As an introvert, working from home and minimizing social interactions was easy for me. I focused on my running goals, made lots of delicious dinners, and my house had never been cleaner. The planner within me had a hard time letting go of not having a sense of the future, but I’ve grown used to taking everything one day at a time.

So for the next 30 days, here’s what I’ll be focusing on:

1. Continuing my running goals
   I managed to get faster and more consistent through my first round of quarantine, and this time around I want to be faster and stronger. And maybe get better at waking up early for my runs…
2. Trying daily meditation
   I’ve done this on and off in the past and each time I think, “wow I should really do this more often!” So for the next 30 days, the goal is daily, 5-minute meditation. More to come here.
3. Taking opportunities to learn
   Time to get back to learning Italian through Duolingo and take advantage of my new Masterclass subscription. I spend enough time on screens googling random information, and now I want to be more intentional about it.
4. Pushing my cooking skills
   I tried so many new recipes in 2020 and learned how to combine different flavors and textures. Once a week I’m going to start trying my own ideas for recipes to stretch myself out of my cookbook comfort zone.
5. Spending screen-free time with loved ones
   I’m the absolute worst at having my phone on me at all times. A big focus this month is to put my phone down when spending quality time with my husband and pets (and eventually friends and family once I can see them in person again!)

For now, all that’s in my control is how I make the most of January, and so that’s where my focus will be. Here’s to a good 31 days that bring more hope, more certainty, and more precedented times!

On Why We Should Bring Back the Mix CD…

Anyone that knows me knows that music is a major part of my life. I don’t think that makes me special or anything – most people love music and I imagine they also have a soundtrack to their day or their life.

Whether I’m working, cooking, driving, or just hanging out, I almost always have music playing, and this has been the case for as long as I can remember. Music helps me tune out, it helps me tap into my emotions, and sharing it with others is a form of communication for me.

Sharing my love of music became easier when I learned how to record songs off the radio onto a cassette. The radio was always playing in my room, and I’d dive to hit the record button when a good song came on to make sure it was captured on the blank tape.

As I entered middle school, I heard about this thing called “burning CDs,” and I was desperate to be able to do it myself. As our at-home technology improved and my knowledge of ways to obtain music for low- or no-cost expanded, I entered the world of mix CDs.

Creating my own mixes has been the gift that keeps on giving. I created my personal compilations to enjoy on my own or with friends. I created gifts for friends and family. And today, I revisit these mixes to go back to a specific place in time.

I have a pretty good idea of what I was going through with each mix I’ve re-listened to, further proving how music can attach itself to a place, a time, a feeling. One in particular I know was created in the wake of a breakup. You’d be fooled by the first track (“Renegade by STYX”), but once you get to “Everything I Once Had” by The Honorary Title, it’s pretty clear.

There are others that I clearly made in the middle of summer that have a carefree feel, no responsibilities, late nights, warm air, bonfires. Those are the ones that feature “Bandages” by Hot Hot Heat and “Helena” by My Chemical Romance.

As CDs faded away and streaming services have come into the forefront, I have access to more music than I ever had before. It’s truly amazing and I love it, but my Spotify playlists don’t quite hit the spot the way a mixed CD did.

With a mix CD, I had limitations. 80 minutes. How many songs could I fit into it? If I could get 20 that was a major victory. Most topped out at 18. I rarely, if ever, listened to any CDs on shuffle, so the order of the songs mattered. Could I get the last note of one song to be the first note of the next? What songs built up to another?

Perhaps best of all was writing out the track list in Sharpie on the CD itself. That’s probably what I miss most of all.

If iTunes hadn’t gone by the wayside, and if the medium was still holding on, I’d encourage us to create more mixed CDs. Instead, I encourage everyone to go back and listen to the mix CDs they still have. They may make you cringe, or they may make you cry, but either way you’ll be transported to a different time in a way that only music can transport you.

 

 

On Resolutions and Goals for 2020…

All my life, I’ve been the type of person that doesn’t want to make waves. Go with the flow. Easy. Whatever. I even earned the nickname “Bridechilla” during my wedding.

And truth be told, this isn’t a facade. I don’t like to cause or invite drama in my life, so I try to live it as peacefully as possible.

But I’m human, and so inevitably something will bother me or hurt me and I have two choices: 1) Say something about it in an effort to prevent it from happening in the future, or 2) Let it go and keep bobbing with the flow.

More often than not I opt for the latter, and end up internalizing my feelings in order to avoid confrontation and spare another’s feelings. The trouble with this is that the pain continues to live within me until I ultimately burst.

An oath I made to myself at the end of 2019 was to take up more space in the world. I realized that internalizing was part of a greater effort to make myself smaller. But I have big goals in this life that require me to be seen, heard and known, and so it’s time to stop holding it all in.

In 2020, I’m opening up those feelings that tend to remain unopened and making my feelings and thoughts and ideas heard. I will:

• Speak up when I disagree and can provide a solution that will benefit all involved
• Let people know when they’ve hurt me, and ask that they be more mindful of it in the future
• Share my ideas even if they seem crazy, because maybe they’re not as crazy as I think it is, or can serve as a jumping off point for something better
• Stop blending into the background and make an effort to be in the foreground

It’s time to take up more space in the world, and I encourage you all to do the same.

On What Disordered Eating Did to Me…

After reading Jessica Knoll’s opinion piece “Smash the Wellness Industry,” I shared a bit of my story on Facebook. I decided it was time to share the full story here.

How It All Began

My freshman year of college I gained about 30 pounds. No joke. People could tell I gained weight, but when I said the actual number, they couldn’t believe it. Not because I “carried it well” or anything like that, but because it’s double the number of the standard “Freshman 15.”

I know exactly how it happened. Unlimited dining plans encouraged me to eat as much as I wanted at meal time. And who wouldn’t want a breakfast of one of everything from the buffet? My declining balance money separate from that allowed me to buy a pint of Ben & Jerry’s whenever I was having a bad day. And between the stress of my first year in college and first time playing field hockey at that level and first time being away from home for an extended period of time…let’s just say I classified many days as being worthy of an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

Even before that fateful year I was always self-conscious about my weight and how I looked. At 5’2″ 1/2, every pound gained or lost was noticeable on me and I hated it. I had spurts in high school of healthy eating before proms and big events to try to get fit. There was also the time in elementary school at a Girl Scouts meeting where I refused a snack because “I don’t want to eat 2 hours before I go to bed.” Yes. In elementary school.

Coming home that summer after freshman year I felt pretty terrible about myself. I had no energy, nothing fit properly, and I basically felt like a walking blob of worthlessness. Enter, Weight Watchers.

How the Real Trouble Began

Weight Watchers is a really great system if you don’t abuse it, and it started out really well for me. I worked with a personal trainer and stayed within my allotted points for the day. By the end of the summer I was down about 5 pounds. After a week of pre-season I was down a total of 10 pounds.

I remember the turning point. It was right after field hockey season ended and I had a really busy day where I didn’t have the time to eat. Like that time in elementary school, I wasn’t eating anything 2 hours before I went to bed, so I ended the day having used 12 out of my 20 daily points. I woke up the next day and saw a dramatic change in the scale…and that’s when I decided that a serious point deficit was the surefire way to look and feel the way I wanted.

How to Be a Control Freak and Annoy All Your Friends

From then on, each day began with waking up before all of my roommates and stepping on the scale. That number set the tone of the day. Then I would do an ab workout in our common room, followed by staring at my stomach in the mirror. It was the first time I had any definition in that area, and that image played in my mind any time my stomach growled begging for more food.

The disordered eating wasn’t completely obvious. After all, I was eating. Things like vegetables were 0 points on Weight Watchers so I filled up on those with a salad every day. I even put cheese on that salad for a mere 3 points (plus 2 for the dressing). Every morning I ate oatmeal in plain sight of my roommates (just 3 points!), and I’d usually opt for a chicken wrap for dinner (6 points).

And then I’d do my homework and watch Food Network to satisfy how hungry I was, just by staring at the food.

Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays I went to the weight room, and Tuesdays and Thursdays I’d run a timed mile at the indoor track. On the plus side, I managed to train my way into a sub-7 minute mile. On the negative side, I stopped getting my period.

The compliments poured in and drove my motivation to continue on this diet. Every meal meticulously planned. Every invitation to go out to eat was extensively researched beforehand to see what I could have and at what cost. I even started getting attention from guys – something that rarely happened freshman year.

Of course, a few friends would say things like, “just eat the cookie! It won’t kill you!” or flaunt their food in front of me. At the time I thought they were just jealous of me, but in hindsight it’s clear that they did actually want me to eat more. But the internal battle that raged within me everyday was excruciating, and I couldn’t just eat the cookie. It felt like the cookie would completely throw off what felt like a delicate balance.

When It Stopped

When I got home that summer, I was down to 125 pounds. Exactly 35 pounds down from the previous year. While the compliments continued, they were accompanied by, “Why did you do that? There was nothing wrong with you” and “You look like a 12-year old.” Then there was the day when I was working with my trainer and he told me to stop sucking in my stomach…but I wasn’t. When he asked me if I was eating I told him yes, and it wasn’t a lie. He just never asked how much.

When junior year rolled around things started to fall off the rails. Doctors, mentors, and colleagues started pressuring me to put on some weight, but the thought of breaking the routine, going back to how it was before, not getting the attention I now had, not being able to wear whatever I wanted…it was too much. I rarely left my dorm room and kept trying to maintain control.

Eventually it all broke. I bought a bag of Halloween candy and gorged on it until I felt sick. And luckily didn’t develop a habit of purging. As I went back and forth between control and unruly eating in my second semester that year, I met a dude (now my husband) that loved me no matter what I looked like.

This along with starting to listen to family and friends ended the disordered eating, but it took another eight years to make peace with my body.

A Journey Across New York

Upon graduation I watched my dad finish a half marathon and felt inspired. I threw myself into running and training for my own half, and in the process learned how to feed my body to be healthy with room to indulge. A few months after my half I moved to New York City for a job in my field, and the anxiety of looking perfect returned (though the disordered eating, thankfully, did not). Working near Lincoln Center, I saw impossibly thin, tall women every day. Meanwhile, my short self had to convince people I wasn’t an intern and was, in fact, of age to drink alcohol.

Even after moving upstate from the city, I continued to avoid public situations where my picture would be taken. I couldn’t bear to look at my less-than-perfect self in a photo where all my friends looked great. The thought of having something like that posted to social media literally made me freeze with anxiety. Every time this happened I thought back to the control I had in college, back when I thought I always looked great in pictures. But rather than going back to disordered eating I just felt…sad.

As of about two years ago, I decided it was time to stop hating myself. I don’t remember the exact point where I realized that I was enough as is, but I do know that I’ve never felt more relieved.

On Letting Go

Women especially are taught early on that their bodies are never quite good enough. We’re introduced to rail thin models that starve themselves before shows (or that have insane metabolisms, and power to them). Celebrities are tucked and smoothed and perfected in photos, and often get surgery and professional help to make that look permanent in their day to day. And we’re told that that’s the ideal – something that’s usually completely unnatural.

At 5’2″ 1/2 with an athletic build, I’ve learned that that’s just not attainable for me, and I’m absolutely ok with that. I’m meant to have muscular thighs that power me through long distance runs. I don’t really have a cinched waist, and that’s just how my body is. My nose has a bump in it as a combination of my Italian ancestry and getting hit in the face with a field hockey stick in college. My weight fluctuates between 140 and 145 and according to BMI measures that’s overweight. And all of this is ok.

Once I stopped putting energy into picking apart my appearance and destroying my body as a result, I could start putting it into things like my relationships, my job, my hobbies, and new ventures. I’ve actually never felt more fulfilled in my work life and honestly, a big part of that is working on a team of women that doesn’t talk about what they hate about themselves everyday.

And so now that I’ve got a few years of loving myself under my belt, hearing other women pick themselves apart honestly breaks my heart. As Jessica Knoll states in her opinion piece, “When men sit down to lunch, they don’t waste it pointing out every flaw on their bodies.” We’re so much better than that scene in Mean Girls where The Plastics grasp for imperfections to point out to one another. We have much more important things to discuss, like strategies for growth, ideas for new ventures, or even the most recent episode of Big Little Lies. All of those things are more interesting to me than pointing out something on yourself as being wrong when, more than likely, it’s perfectly fine.

Please – next time you go to verbalize something mean about yourself, take a second to think it through. Is it true? Probably not. Is it within your control? In the case of my nose, nope! So let’s all move on and agree to work on loving ourselves instead. Our minds, bodies, and our friends and families will be thankful for it.